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Post by electriceyes on Mar 21, 2024 2:50:09 GMT
I was bullied quite severely at secondary school. The worst part about it was, the main culprits were the 3 guys I had been best friends with for years, who seemed to turn on me overnight, for no reason whatsoever.
I'm now 22 and if I'm being honest, I'm still not completely over it. It really affected my self-esteem and turned me into a very insular, private person who avoids social events like the plague.
I have a long-time girlfriend with a kid on the way (so excited!) and a good relationship with my family, so my lifes turned out quite alright. But in spite of this, I still find it hard to understand and deal with what happened to me back in secondary school. I see these guys on social media and wonder if they'll ever get in touch and acknowledge what they did to me. It angers me that they never have, when they know full well what they did to me.....
I hope this doesn't sound like naval-gazing from someone who really needs to get a grip. I just can't emphasise enough how profoundly this event shaped my life and I hate that it still effects me.
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Post by invinciblegal on Mar 21, 2024 8:12:22 GMT
Yes, I was bullied at school too, but I think it's character building in a way. Kids can be cruel and only by our own bad experiences do we learn how to be empathetic, compassionate adults.
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Post by MattyJam on Mar 21, 2024 11:10:35 GMT
I was bullied quite severely at secondary school. The worst part about it was, the main culprits were the 3 guys I had been best friends with for years, who seemed to turn on me overnight, for no reason whatsoever. I'm now 22 and if I'm being honest, I'm still not completely over it. It really affected my self-esteem and turned me into a very insular, private person who avoids social events like the plague. I have a long-time girlfriend with a kid on the way (so excited!) and a good relationship with my family, so my lifes turned out quite alright. But in spite of this, I still find it hard to understand and deal with what happened to me back in secondary school. I see these guys on social media and wonder if they'll ever get in touch and acknowledge what they did to me. It angers me that they never have, when they know full well what they did to me..... I hope this doesn't sound like naval-gazing from someone who really needs to get a grip. I just can't emphasise enough how profoundly this event shaped my life and I hate that it still effects me. They say the best revenge is a life well lived, and it sounds like you're already doing that, so kudos. I had a hard time in secondary school too. I would say though, a lot of hang-ups, baggage and insecurities I once had became far less of a big deal once I became a parent. I'm not going to sit here and say these issues disappeared overnight, but they gradually became less of a toxic presence in my life. I think you only have so much capacity to hold on to negative emotions, and once you have something more important than yourself in life to focus on, you simply don't have the energy to care about things that seemed like a big deal before. At least, that was my experience and hopefully with your impending fatherhood, you might follow a similar path? I also think you worry less about what other people think as you get older. I'm 39 now, and not particularly social, never have been, but I used to dread social events and family functions with big groups of people and feel really awkward and uncomfortable in large rooms of people. These days, I really couldn't care less. I still don't enjoy these things (mainly because I find them to be tedious and false and abhor small talk), but I can hold my own in a way I never felt comfortable with in the past. Things do change as you get older. As for the bullies, well, you could be waiting your entire life for an apology from them, and even if you got one, would it change anything really? No, you're never going to forget what happened to you or the effect it had on you, but obsessing over these people is, to some degree, a choice on your part and one that is not serving you well.
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Post by electriceyes on Mar 21, 2024 11:47:03 GMT
I was bullied quite severely at secondary school. The worst part about it was, the main culprits were the 3 guys I had been best friends with for years, who seemed to turn on me overnight, for no reason whatsoever. I'm now 22 and if I'm being honest, I'm still not completely over it. It really affected my self-esteem and turned me into a very insular, private person who avoids social events like the plague. I have a long-time girlfriend with a kid on the way (so excited!) and a good relationship with my family, so my lifes turned out quite alright. But in spite of this, I still find it hard to understand and deal with what happened to me back in secondary school. I see these guys on social media and wonder if they'll ever get in touch and acknowledge what they did to me. It angers me that they never have, when they know full well what they did to me..... I hope this doesn't sound like naval-gazing from someone who really needs to get a grip. I just can't emphasise enough how profoundly this event shaped my life and I hate that it still effects me. They say the best revenge is a life well lived, and it sounds like you're already doing that, so kudos. I had a hard time in secondary school too. I would say though, a lot of hang-ups, baggage and insecurities I once had became far less of a big deal once I became a parent. I'm not going to sit here and say these issues disappeared overnight, but they gradually became less of a toxic presence in my life. I think you only have so much capacity to hold on to negative emotions, and once you have something more important than yourself in life to focus on, you simply don't have the energy to care about things that seemed like a big deal before. At least, that was my experience and hopefully with your impending fatherhood, you might follow a similar path? I also think you worry less about what other people think as you get older. I'm 39 now, and not particularly social, never have been, but I used to dread social events and family functions with big groups of people and feel really awkward and uncomfortable in large rooms of people. These days, I really couldn't care less. I still don't enjoy these things (mainly because I find them to be tedious and false and abhor small talk), but I can hold my own in a way I never felt comfortable with in the past. Things do change as you get older. As for the bullies, well, you could be waiting your entire life for an apology from them, and even if you got one, would it change anything really? No, you're never going to forget what happened to you or the effect it had on you, but obsessing over these people is, to some degree, a choice on your part and one that is not serving you well. Good advice Matty and I appreciate it. It's easier said than done though, the not obsessing about the bullies part. I still see them around from time to time, they blank me and I them and we mutually pretend we don't know eachother. It really wouldn't take much for one of them to man up, and acknowledge what they did. You say it wouldn't change anything, but I think it would help me move on. It's hard to forgive when the person who's wronged you acts completely indifferent about what they put you through.
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Post by SoCav on Mar 21, 2024 12:06:55 GMT
I wasn't bullied, but just wanted to add that I don't think you are navel-gazing at all. I don't find it strange that, while you do continue to live your life (congratulations for the little one that's on the way!), things like this, that happened during your formative years, leave a mark. Even more so since it involved a sense of betrayal, and given that you see still these guys around. Whether it's ultimately best for your wellbeing is a different matter (and others who went through this can offer much better advice in that regard than I possibly could, so I won't even try), but the fact that you're having those feelings from time to time seems totally natural to me.
It annoys me how much bullying is played down by adults. Today there is more attention for it in schools, and preventative programs are much more common, but many parents still dismiss absolutely horrifying behavior as "kids just being kids." I wonder how they'd feel if it happened to them in their workplace, or if their child was the victim of bullying. While I'm not under the illusion that it can be eliminated, I think it would make a huge difference already if this lax attitude would be stamped out.
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Post by MattyJam on Mar 21, 2024 12:52:22 GMT
I wasn't bullied, but just wanted to add that I don't think you are navel-gazing at all. I don't find it strange that, while you do continue to live your life (congratulations for the little one that's on the way!), things like this, that happened during your formative years, leave a mark. Even more so since it involved a sense of betrayal, and given that you see still these guys around. Whether it's ultimately best for your wellbeing is a different matter (and others who went through this can offer much better advice in that regard than I possibly could, so I won't even try), but the fact that you're having those feelings from time to time seems totally natural to me. It annoys me how much bullying is played down by adults. Today there is more attention for it in schools, and preventative programs are much more common, but many parents still dismiss absolutely horrifying behavior as "kids just being kids." I wonder how they'd feel if it happened to them in their workplace, or if their child was the victim of bullying. While I'm not under the illusion that it can be eliminated, I think it would make a huge difference already if this lax attitude would be stamped out. Yeah, it's disgusting how adults can be so flippant about it. I remember one time when I was in secondary school, my head of year said in a class assembly "if you have any problems, don't come to us with them, we are far too busy and you need to settle it out amongst yourselves in the playground." I remember that vividly, I was too embarrassed at the time to admit to my parents I was getting bullied and after hearing that, I knew I couldn't turn to the school. I had a similar issue with my son recently. He got in trouble when him and his best friend picked on another kid who has special needs. I was mortified, my son and his friend got into big trouble with the school and my boy was very upset over it. It's the first and only time he's ever shown any behaviour like that to be fair. But me and the missus made sure he knew we were taking it seriously at home too, as well as the teachers at school. We banned Youtube in our house for a week (believe it or not, that's a big deal to our 6yr old) and we sent a clear message to him that this was not acceptable. And yet, I spoke with his best friends mum in the playground about it and she pipes up "oh, boys will be boys, I'm sure it was nothing." I was shocked at how lax her attitude was. Maybe it's because I've been on the receiving end of it that I know to take it seriously, but I feel like kids need to be sent a strong message about stuff like this.
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Post by butterflies2 on Mar 21, 2024 13:07:00 GMT
Yes I was bullied in elementary and middle school, briefly in high school too in my freshman year.
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Post by electriceyes on Mar 22, 2024 3:16:05 GMT
I wasn't bullied, but just wanted to add that I don't think you are navel-gazing at all. I don't find it strange that, while you do continue to live your life (congratulations for the little one that's on the way!), things like this, that happened during your formative years, leave a mark. Even more so since it involved a sense of betrayal, and given that you see still these guys around. Whether it's ultimately best for your wellbeing is a different matter (and others who went through this can offer much better advice in that regard than I possibly could, so I won't even try), but the fact that you're having those feelings from time to time seems totally natural to me. It annoys me how much bullying is played down by adults. Today there is more attention for it in schools, and preventative programs are much more common, but many parents still dismiss absolutely horrifying behavior as "kids just being kids." I wonder how they'd feel if it happened to them in their workplace, or if their child was the victim of bullying. While I'm not under the illusion that it can be eliminated, I think it would make a huge difference already if this lax attitude would be stamped out. Thanks SoCav, it's nice to hear that you don't think it's silly. You always hear adults talking about their tough childhood, but trauma from bad experiences at school never seems to really be acknowledged. As you say, it's brushed under the carpet with the whole "kids will be kids" attitude. I was talking about it with my parents recently and mentioned having a hard time in my teen years and they said "what are you talking about? You had a wonderful childhood?". When I mentioned to them my secondary school years they had no idea it had scarred me so deeply as an adult.
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Post by amaya on Mar 24, 2024 21:07:29 GMT
Was bullied for a good chunk of my childhood, particularly from fourth-seventh grade. Gotta say I wish I could just magically get over it like some others seem to magically do when they get older, but I never did, and I really don't know how. I've tried letting go but it all just keeps coming back, especially when I realized how deeply it affected my ability to function as an adult without realizing it. This combined with my parents sheltering me, my autism/ADHD never getting properly diagnosed and treated when it would have been easier to treat, and my siblings also bullying me and getting away with it... it all just adds up.
I'm not totally at the bottom of the barrel, but knowing that I could have been better off mentally, financially and socially if only one or two things were done differently... it makes it hard to appreciate how things actually are. I know the common answer is going to be that I have to be responsible and want to get better and all that shit. That I have to choose to make things better but I literally don't know what to do or how to do it. And even if I did know, I wouldn't do it anyway because I simply don't fucking feel like it, or I'm too afraid to because I just know from past experience that someone or something will come along and discourage me/overwhelm me to the point where I no longer want to do it.
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Post by electriceyes on Mar 25, 2024 9:52:53 GMT
Was bullied for a good chunk of my childhood, particularly from fourth-seventh grade. Gotta say I wish I could just magically get over it like some others seem to magically do when they get older, but I never did, and I really don't know how. I've tried letting go but it all just keeps coming back, especially when I realized how deeply it affected my ability to function as an adult without realizing it. This combined with my parents sheltering me, my autism/ADHD never getting properly diagnosed and treated when it would have been easier to treat, and my siblings also bullying me and getting away with it... it all just adds up. I'm not totally at the bottom of the barrel, but knowing that I could have been better off mentally, financially and socially if only one or two things were done differently... it makes it hard to appreciate how things actually are. I know the common answer is going to be that I have to be responsible and want to get better and all that shit. That I have to choose to make things better but I literally don't know what to do or how to do it. And even if I did know, I wouldn't do it anyway because I simply don't fucking feel like it, or I'm too afraid to because I just know from past experience that someone or something will come along and discourage me/overwhelm me to the point where I no longer want to do it. My heart goes out to you. I guess my only advice would be, don't assume everyone is always going to let you down. There are good people out there and don't close yourself off from new experiences and meeting new people who could enhance your life. I'm lucky I found someone I gel with and have settled down with, otherwise I can see how easy it is to become jaded and cynical. I know only too well how it feels to be a less than functioning adult due to bad past experiences. Just remember, other people don't define your self-worth, only you can do that. If you ever need to PM, I'm always here. Sending hugs. xx
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Post by amaya on Mar 26, 2024 5:34:35 GMT
Was bullied for a good chunk of my childhood, particularly from fourth-seventh grade. Gotta say I wish I could just magically get over it like some others seem to magically do when they get older, but I never did, and I really don't know how. I've tried letting go but it all just keeps coming back, especially when I realized how deeply it affected my ability to function as an adult without realizing it. This combined with my parents sheltering me, my autism/ADHD never getting properly diagnosed and treated when it would have been easier to treat, and my siblings also bullying me and getting away with it... it all just adds up. I'm not totally at the bottom of the barrel, but knowing that I could have been better off mentally, financially and socially if only one or two things were done differently... it makes it hard to appreciate how things actually are. I know the common answer is going to be that I have to be responsible and want to get better and all that shit. That I have to choose to make things better but I literally don't know what to do or how to do it. And even if I did know, I wouldn't do it anyway because I simply don't fucking feel like it, or I'm too afraid to because I just know from past experience that someone or something will come along and discourage me/overwhelm me to the point where I no longer want to do it. My heart goes out to you. I guess my only advice would be, don't assume everyone is always going to let you down. There are good people out there and don't close yourself off from new experiences and meeting new people who could enhance your life. I'm lucky I found someone I gel with and have settled down with, otherwise I can see how easy it is to become jaded and cynical. I know only too well how it feels to be a less than functioning adult due to bad past experiences. Just remember, other people don't define your self-worth, only you can do that. If you ever need to PM, I'm always here. Sending hugs. xx Thanks, I appreciate it. It's tough for me to trust some people, and certain world events of the last few years haven't helped my views on humanity much. >.> I have made one good friend, at least, and it was thanks to the MJ fandom (and the Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson fandom too, although we've both long since moved on from that lol). And I struggle with the idea of not letting others define me. Like... the idea of me controlling and defining myself, being confident in myself, and not caring about what others think is just so... foreign to me. Like, it's impossible for me to think that's true. It's like trying to convince someone who has been religious their whole life that God doesn't exist, you know? Perhaps one day I'll finally be comfortable. Until then, I just have to press on somehow, even if it sucks.
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