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Post by butterflies2 on Feb 11, 2023 16:41:10 GMT
I know it has more to do with me than him, feeling an empty vacancy or left behind, I know I’m being irrational cause of my bpd and none of what I’m feeling is his fault. I hear ya. I wasn't trying to be mean or anything. I do understand feeling something and not really understanding it or it not making sense. I mean, you're talking to a person who watched that clip of Michael saving a bug the other day and broke down in tears. I've seen that clip 1000 times but for some reason, it just triggered me and I was sitting on my couch as a grown man of almost 50 years old, ugly crying because Michael was just so kind. Yeah moments like that used to make me cry too, and miss him all over again
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Post by NatureCriminal7896 on Feb 11, 2023 23:43:02 GMT
Yes it was mainly the doctors fault, but feel Michael was enabled by past doctors who gave it to him too and was probably stubborn about wanting to sleep so he could perform and please fans and critics alike. I think it hurts I wasn’t able to show him how much I love him I do believe that. Michael was a stubborn guy but also he was too trusting. i learn from a young age don't trust everyone because not everyone has a good heart. Michael didn't learn that until later in his life.
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Post by NatureCriminal7896 on Feb 11, 2023 23:56:25 GMT
I feel sad that Michael passed away but at sametime i don't.
He wasn't for this world. people treated him badly and hated him. it's sad to say but it's the truth. 😔😔😔
i wish he was still here but there's are times like Leaving Neverland i'm glad he not with us anymore.
i hope he's at peace and not to worry anymore.
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Post by butterflies2 on Feb 12, 2023 0:13:24 GMT
Yes it was mainly the doctors fault, but feel Michael was enabled by past doctors who gave it to him too and was probably stubborn about wanting to sleep so he could perform and please fans and critics alike. I think it hurts I wasn’t able to show him how much I love him I do believe that. Michael was a stubborn guy but also he was too trusting. i learn from a young age don't trust everyone because not everyone has a good heart. Michael didn't learn that until later in his life. I feel like he learned that in such a cruel and heartless way and was deserving of better treatment. Things felt right in the world to me when I felt the love and I was hoping one of my fan letters cheered him up
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Post by NatureCriminal7896 on Feb 12, 2023 0:16:34 GMT
I dont know if its fair to necessarily say he chose propafol over his kids/fans. Was he playing Russian roulette with his life? Well, only in the hands of a criminally negligent doctor. As is always the case with MJ, he put too much trust in the hands of someone who didn't care about him. If he's guilty of anything, it's in being a shocking judge of character. I never got mad at Mike for dying. I got depressed about it, angry that it happened to him, but in some weird way, I was also relieved for him. He had endured so much in his life and relied on so many things to prop him up and I honestly don't know if things were ever going to improve for him. I’m also angry with all those who screwed him over in life and death, but for some reason blaming him unconsciously takes a burden off me for grieving though I don’t want to feel this way. When he was alive I had so much compassion for him and strongly believed he was going to be ok, come out on top and I would see or meet him, I had this is it tickets. I was going through a lot of things that time and his death was the final straw when I was already having a breakdown that time, I used to actually feel guilty for being alive while he was dead instead of surviving. It made me question my belief in god too for him dying in such an unjust way. Now I tend to either be really mad or really full of hyper love and it fluctuates like black and white. I know I sound crazy, but I really cared for him like he was family, and he still left us I want to be ok, but it’s so hard to be present when the anger is so deeply embedded in me, I’m trying to move on and still remain a fan, but I don’t know how to do it without feeling left behind. I think if I go to forest lawn I’ll get the closure I need, but after that I’ll look for the next thing and don’t want this to continue taking over my life, cause it’s a good one, but I can’t perform to my highest potential yet cause of this. I want to work full time with benefits instead of working lots of hours casually when I feel like it mentally, and I want a life partner, but I’m stuck on losing mj though a lot of things about my life are really good at the same time I miss Michael too and saw him as a family member as well. i know you want to talk about this outside therapy but i think it is best to talk about it in therapy. Michael passing is taking over your life. it's okay to feel sad and miss him. but it's getting to the point where you can't live your life. this isn't normal. i hope one day you will be able to visit him at Forest Lawn also i hope you will be able to live your life without feeling this way. i wish the best for you. God bless.
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Post by butterflies2 on Feb 12, 2023 0:22:44 GMT
I’m also angry with all those who screwed him over in life and death, but for some reason blaming him unconsciously takes a burden off me for grieving though I don’t want to feel this way. When he was alive I had so much compassion for him and strongly believed he was going to be ok, come out on top and I would see or meet him, I had this is it tickets. I was going through a lot of things that time and his death was the final straw when I was already having a breakdown that time, I used to actually feel guilty for being alive while he was dead instead of surviving. It made me question my belief in god too for him dying in such an unjust way. Now I tend to either be really mad or really full of hyper love and it fluctuates like black and white. I know I sound crazy, but I really cared for him like he was family, and he still left us I want to be ok, but it’s so hard to be present when the anger is so deeply embedded in me, I’m trying to move on and still remain a fan, but I don’t know how to do it without feeling left behind. I think if I go to forest lawn I’ll get the closure I need, but after that I’ll look for the next thing and don’t want this to continue taking over my life, cause it’s a good one, but I can’t perform to my highest potential yet cause of this. I want to work full time with benefits instead of working lots of hours casually when I feel like it mentally, and I want a life partner, but I’m stuck on losing mj though a lot of things about my life are really good at the same time I miss Michael too and saw him as a family member as well. i know you want to talk about this outside therapy but i think it is best to talk about it in therapy. Michael passing is taking over your life. it's okay to feel sad and miss him. but it's getting to the point where you can't live your life. this isn't normal. i hope one day you will be able to visit him at Forest Lawn also i hope you will be able to live your life without feeling this way. i wish the best for you. God bless. Well, I have other reasons than him for being the way I am. I have a disability but work casual hours so I could have money, and am not getting benefits, so paying out of pocket for healthcare. I have talked about it in therapy but not to this extent. I try to pray about it but just keep thinking of him cause I prayed for him to be ok a lot when he was alive and feel I should let go though I can’t. It’s like beating a dead horse. Also, I feel like I associate them time he died with a very hard time I was having at the same time with other areas, so feel I can’t do a specific type of job regularly cause of too much baggage, and whenever I have trouble with social anxiety or giving eye contact, I start thinking of him being gone in the moment though I don’t want to in the moment.
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Post by butterflies2 on Feb 12, 2023 2:01:04 GMT
I even mumble to myself Michael is gone and stop myself and hate how I do that
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Post by butterflies2 on Feb 12, 2023 6:19:39 GMT
You guys, I copied and pasted my posts here and sent it to my therapist so we can work through it together. Wish me luck
Life can be so beautiful but I don’t know how to be present cause no one taught me that and I’m accountable and responsible for my life
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Post by DirtyD on Feb 12, 2023 7:03:09 GMT
You guys, I copied and pasted my posts here and sent it to my therapist so we can work through it together. Wish me luck Life can be so beautiful but I don’t know how to be present cause no one taught me that and I’m accountable and responsible for my life I don’t know if this counts for anything, but, I’m glad you’re getting therapy and I really hope you get the help you need.
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Post by butterflies2 on Feb 12, 2023 7:34:04 GMT
You guys, I copied and pasted my posts here and sent it to my therapist so we can work through it together. Wish me luck Life can be so beautiful but I don’t know how to be present cause no one taught me that and I’m accountable and responsible for my life I don’t know if this counts for anything, but, I’m glad you’re getting therapy and I really hope you get the help you need. Thank you
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Post by butterflies2 on Feb 16, 2023 6:17:49 GMT
I think it’s best I leave the board or at least take a break, I think actively posting is getting me down because I still feel abandoned no matter what anyone tells me. It’s hard to shake off and bpd is serious, so I want to do some self care before I visit forest lawn this year
Thanks for listening to me.
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Post by butterflies2 on Feb 23, 2023 22:51:40 GMT
I still find it hard to stay off this board. I’ve decided to go to forest lawn before taking on the position if I get it. But it’s also hard to decide if I really want to do it cause I have issues with memory and concentration and brain fog from my disability, but want to aim for a “normal” life now though it’s very hard, even though I work often right now but with minimal responsibilities. Taking on those responsibilities will be a transition for me so I want to work it out in therapy and doing things for closure
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Post by butterflies2 on Mar 26, 2023 1:43:27 GMT
I’m a mess emotionally. Whenever I do prayers I’m thinking of his soul and praying for peace, and it’s hard to stop cause I’m in unrequited love with him
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Seven
Wondering Who
Posts: 75
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Post by Seven on Apr 5, 2023 0:17:52 GMT
I have BPD too.
I'm not mad at Michael for dying. I'm not mad at him at all. I take a broad look at his life from beginning to end, and I see this tragedy in it. A young boy exploited for his talent, scorned for his differences and taken advantage of by many. Don't be mad AT him, be mad FOR him. In his adult life he certainly wasn't helpless or flawless but the events of his childhood set him up for an extremely unstable future. I do not blame him for his addictions. He had a lot to cope with, and an unreliable support system. People who were child stars are revealing the terrible truths about being young and famous more and more these days: exposure to people that don't have their best interest in mind, introduction to drugs and alcohol, an unhealthy relationship with one's own body and towards sex, exploitation by older people in their circle, etc. Additionally, we already knew about Joe's abuse of the boys, but I feel the impact of being interviewed, photographed, being made to work and mobbed by thousands is often overlooked. All things that an adult may be better equipped to cope with, but a child? A child whose entire life is controlled by factors that frankly have no place in a child's life?
I'm glad you're seeking therapy. People grieve in different ways and sometimes that grief manifests in misplaced anger.
I loved him a lot too, when I was young. Obsessively so, similarly to you. Now that I'm older though, I know I did not love him in a way you love family or a spouse, because he was neither of those things to me. I loved him in the same way you'd love a piece of media like a Disney movie or a videogame. He was not just a person, he was an object that I basically worshipped while telling myself that I loved him as a person. I imagined fantasy scenarios where we'd meet and share some magical connection, I'd think of him constantly and fawn over photos and videos of him not just for entertainment purposes. I felt like I needed it. And that's not healthy.
Now, I consider myself a fan, a supporter, and an advocate for him. When I re-entered the community not too long ago, I kind a went through a secondary grieving period. Of course I was devastated when he died, but for reasons I'd consider selfish. I was upset we wouldn't get the concert, I was upset we'd get no more music, no more videos or pictures. No more appearances. We'd never see him again. He wouldn't get to create for us anymore. My secondary grieving was more about Michael, the person, rather than Michael the performer. I think I can attribute my new mindset to how I felt when I lost my dad. Days before he died, my dad was making plans for the coming summer, putting new mirrors on his motorcycle and making bread. It was knowing that he still had so much life left to live, knowing that he wouldn't get that chance, that really hurt me the most. He wasn't ready. He didn't think that time was so close. I feel the same way about Michael now. He deserved a much better life than the one he got, and more time to live it. He wasn't ready.
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Post by butterflies2 on Apr 5, 2023 2:36:01 GMT
I appreciate your post and agree with a lot of what you’re saying. I think love for him felt too painful since he left and even before it cause I made his battles mine and got caught up emotionally. So I dissociated and it’s hard to snap out of
I think I had a similar realization as you when he passed, I thought I loved him like a family member or spouse and was so sure we would connect one day. I wonder if this came from being commitment phobic in real life. It hit me that it was an interest like I had for books or movies and before that it felt more personal
And I’m very sorry for your loss
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