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Post by NatureCriminal7896 on Apr 5, 2023 12:08:52 GMT
I'm one of those fans who saw Michael as a human being and this goes for every famous artist, celebrity, etc.
you really have to blame hollyweird for that.
there's nothing wrong being a fan but if your obsessive like Seven just said and like i said before. it isn't normal.
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Post by NatureCriminal7896 on Apr 5, 2023 12:30:10 GMT
I think love for him felt too painful since he left and even before it cause I made his battles mine and got caught up emotionally. So I dissociated and it’s hard to snap out of I wonder if this came from being commitment phobic in real life. It hit me that it was an interest like I had for books or movies and before that it felt more personal It's possible. there's alot of that in the fan community and even when Michael was alive.
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Post by NatureCriminal7896 on Apr 5, 2023 13:06:23 GMT
I’m a mess emotionally. Whenever I do prayers I’m thinking of his soul and praying for peace, and it’s hard to stop cause I’m in unrequited love with him there's nothing wrong with that. there are fans who do that and even Michael himself appreciated that. but if you doing it obsessively yeah that's isn't normal.
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Post by NatureCriminal7896 on Apr 5, 2023 13:41:43 GMT
I miss Michael too and saw him as a family member as well. i know you want to talk about this outside therapy but i think it is best to talk about it in therapy. Michael passing is taking over your life. it's okay to feel sad and miss him. but it's getting to the point where you can't live your life. this isn't normal. i hope one day you will be able to visit him at Forest Lawn also i hope you will be able to live your life without feeling this way. i wish the best for you. God bless. Well, I have other reasons than him for being the way I am. I have a disability but work casual hours so I could have money, and am not getting benefits, so paying out of pocket for healthcare. I have talked about it in therapy but not to this extent. I try to pray about it but just keep thinking of him cause I prayed for him to be ok a lot when he was alive and feel I should let go though I can’t. It’s like beating a dead horse. Also, I feel like I associate them time he died with a very hard time I was having at the same time with other areas, so feel I can’t do a specific type of job regularly cause of too much baggage, and whenever I have trouble with social anxiety or giving eye contact, I start thinking of him being gone in the moment though I don’t want to in the moment. It's seem to me you're getting your emotions mixed up with Michael's passing. yeah you are definitely right it could be your BPD.
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Post by NatureCriminal7896 on Apr 5, 2023 14:27:05 GMT
I still find it hard to stay off this board. I’ve decided to go to forest lawn before taking on the position if I get it. But it’s also hard to decide if I really want to do it cause I have issues with memory and concentration and brain fog from my disability, but want to aim for a “normal” life now though it’s very hard, even though I work often right now but with minimal responsibilities. Taking on those responsibilities will be a transition for me so I want to work it out in therapy and doing things for closure Do whatever best for you. i mean if you do visit you will have to let Michael go. no i don't mean not being a fan anymore. but let go the fact he's gone. Michael's death was unfortune but there's nothing we can do about it. life can be unfair sometimes.
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Post by butterflies2 on Apr 5, 2023 14:47:23 GMT
I’m a mess emotionally. Whenever I do prayers I’m thinking of his soul and praying for peace, and it’s hard to stop cause I’m in unrequited love with him there's nothing wrong with that. there are fans who do that and even Michael himself appreciated that. but if you doing it obsessively yeah that's isn't normal. Yes I already know that and feel guilty for it
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Post by NatureCriminal7896 on Apr 5, 2023 15:28:53 GMT
I do believe that. Michael was a stubborn guy but also he was too trusting. i learn from a young age don't trust everyone because not everyone has a good heart. Michael didn't learn that until later in his life. I feel like he learned that in such a cruel and heartless way and was deserving of better treatment. Things felt right in the world to me when I felt the love and I was hoping one of my fan letters cheered him up Agree. but some of it was his fault as well good and bad. i'm pretty sure your letters cheer him up. 😊😊😊 when did you send them?
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Post by butterflies2 on Apr 5, 2023 16:01:48 GMT
I feel like he learned that in such a cruel and heartless way and was deserving of better treatment. Things felt right in the world to me when I felt the love and I was hoping one of my fan letters cheered him up Agree. but some of it was his fault as well good and bad. i'm pretty sure your letters cheer him up. 😊😊😊 when did you send them? Sent a postcard in 2002 and then I think around 2003-04 I sent him stuff through his website and mjjforum
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Post by NatureCriminal7896 on Apr 5, 2023 16:11:10 GMT
You guys, I copied and pasted my posts here and sent it to my therapist so we can work through it together. Wish me luck Life can be so beautiful but I don’t know how to be present cause no one taught me that and I’m accountable and responsible for my life yes life is beautiful and it can be unfair sometimes. i'm sorry you weren't taught that.
I wish the best for you.
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Post by butterflies2 on Apr 5, 2023 16:38:20 GMT
You guys, I copied and pasted my posts here and sent it to my therapist so we can work through it together. Wish me luck Life can be so beautiful but I don’t know how to be present cause no one taught me that and I’m accountable and responsible for my life yes life is beautiful and it can be unfair sometimes. i'm sorry you weren't taught that.
I wish the best for you. I really wasn’t, everything was black and white when I was growing up. I think I felt spoiled and entitled as well sometimes, so I couldn’t handle it when I didn’t get a chance to see Michael in person cause I always got what I wanted and this was a dream I had for years. Was also filled with regret I couldn’t go see him when alive and waited too long for a concert to happen, though I realize it was a selfish goal too
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Post by NatureCriminal7896 on Apr 5, 2023 16:43:58 GMT
I have BPD too. I'm not mad at Michael for dying. I'm not mad at him at all. I take a broad look at his life from beginning to end, and I see this tragedy in it. A young boy exploited for his talent, scorned for his differences and taken advantage of by many. Don't be mad AT him, be mad FOR him. In his adult life he certainly wasn't helpless or flawless but the events of his childhood set him up for an extremely unstable future. I do not blame him for his addictions. He had a lot to cope with, and an unreliable support system. People who were child stars are revealing the terrible truths about being young and famous more and more these days: exposure to people that don't have their best interest in mind, introduction to drugs and alcohol, an unhealthy relationship with one's own body and towards sex, exploitation by older people in their circle, etc. Additionally, we already knew about Joe's abuse of the boys, but I feel the impact of being interviewed, photographed, being made to work and mobbed by thousands is often overlooked. All things that an adult may be better equipped to cope with, but a child? A child whose entire life is controlled by factors that frankly have no place in a child's life? I'm glad you're seeking therapy. People grieve in different ways and sometimes that grief manifests in misplaced anger. I loved him a lot too, when I was young. Obsessively so, similarly to you. Now that I'm older though, I know I did not love him in a way you love family or a spouse, because he was neither of those things to me. I loved him in the same way you'd love a piece of media like a Disney movie or a videogame. He was not just a person, he was an object that I basically worshipped while telling myself that I loved him as a person. I imagined fantasy scenarios where we'd meet and share some magical connection, I'd think of him constantly and fawn over photos and videos of him not just for entertainment purposes. I felt like I needed it. And that's not healthy. Now, I consider myself a fan, a supporter, and an advocate for him. When I re-entered the community not too long ago, I kind a went through a secondary grieving period. Of course I was devastated when he died, but for reasons I'd consider selfish. I was upset we wouldn't get the concert, I was upset we'd get no more music, no more videos or pictures. No more appearances. We'd never see him again. He wouldn't get to create for us anymore. My secondary grieving was more about Michael, the person, rather than Michael the performer. I think I can attribute my new mindset to how I felt when I lost my dad. Days before he died, my dad was making plans for the coming summer, putting new mirrors on his motorcycle and making bread. It was knowing that he still had so much life left to live, knowing that he wouldn't get that chance, that really hurt me the most. He wasn't ready. He didn't think that time was so close. I feel the same way about Michael now. He deserved a much better life than the one he got, and more time to live it. He wasn't ready. Sorry about your Dad.
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Seven
Wondering Who
Posts: 75
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Post by Seven on Apr 5, 2023 19:36:30 GMT
Thank you both for your condolences <3
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Post by butterflies2 on Apr 5, 2023 21:26:33 GMT
I still find it hard to stay off this board. I’ve decided to go to forest lawn before taking on the position if I get it. But it’s also hard to decide if I really want to do it cause I have issues with memory and concentration and brain fog from my disability, but want to aim for a “normal” life now though it’s very hard, even though I work often right now but with minimal responsibilities. Taking on those responsibilities will be a transition for me so I want to work it out in therapy and doing things for closure Do whatever best for you. i mean if you do visit you will have to let Michael go. no i don't mean not being a fan anymore. but let go the fact he's gone. Michael's death was unfortune but there's nothing we can do about it. life can be unfair sometimes. I understand what you’re saying, that’s my reason for wanting to visit, for closure and letting go. But L.A. is beyond my price range so it’s something I’ll do much later maybe, though sooner would have been good for me
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Post by butterflies2 on Apr 11, 2023 22:42:06 GMT
You know, I know he didn’t kill him self but it was triggering hearing Murray’s side say that at the trial. But there is a different and unique kind of grief involved in losing someone to suicide, drugs or homicide, and I think that’s why I felt the way I do. Those were narratives in the media for an extended period of time and I couldn’t catch a break from it
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Post by butterflies2 on Sept 5, 2023 6:36:15 GMT
I just saw a clip of Joey from n sync talking about the mtv performance. My cousin actually knew him around that time and would talk to him on the phone. I really regret not asking her to give him a letter for Mj, cause I was worried the adults would sabotage it for me and put me down and make fun of him. I don’t really know if anything would have come out of it, but if it were now and he were alive, I would have gone the extra mile
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